


An Ocean's View

by JaderTroes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Far Future, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Presumed Dead, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:57:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1538465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaderTroes/pseuds/JaderTroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean thinks he is still alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ocean's View

**Author's Note:**

> This work has not been beta read, sorry for any grammatical errors.

I looked out towards the ocean as time stood still. He was all I saw and his eyes were swallowing me. He had always been the kind of mess I couldn't put down. I had already lost a lot of me but he had lost everything. Such an ocean's view would have been less appreciated if he had not been there with me. As we approached the shore, the sand scratched against my boots, shameful to think we had just polished them before we left. Scratching my head in confusion, I couldn't remember how we even got here. He threw his jacket into the deep blue as he completely lost himself.

I was nothing but beaten from head to toe; he was perfect from top to bottom.

He kicked off his boots and threw them aside to accompany his deepest feelings as he drew on the beach with his bloodied fingertips. He drew massive depictions of his own creations within his mind, the very world he had once belonged to once upon a yesterdays whim. I threw a cry out towards the sea as I dropped my blades into the sand. It sure would have been nice to have all of our friends with us again to witness our own acts of stupidity as we had mindlessly listened to our superiors. Look where listening has landed us, on a patch of gritty sand with a never ending stretch of water before us. Fighting was a waste of time for me, I never wanted it to end like this.

There he cried loudly, the illuminating spark contrasting against the eternal cast of darkness we call home, I call it hell, was almost gone. I feared for once his light had flickered out I would also be gone.

I don't want to live like a broken record anymore. I moved closer to see the blood stained impressions shoved into the earth, his expression was broken but his face was flawless. The sand spelled out “why” next to all of the names we had to bury a long time ago.

Why Armin. Why Marco.Why Mikasa. Why Levi.

The list went on...

Why our faith. Why our fate. Why did it have to be you?

He looked up at me, tear lines burned into his skin leaving a trail of red blisters bellow his sunken, dull green eyes.  
I touched the back of his neck, caressed his nape softly as he saw the end of his very own resistance. His skin was hot to the touch, sometimes I couldn't sever the same feeling to just be alone and at peace. How could we be at peace with endless guilt constantly rushing in and out.  
Again the same broken record playing inside my heart.

After all of this time it was still almost hopeless for him to notice me. We had always longed for a feeling of acceptance with each other but it was inevitable because we had always wound up fighting, scratching to breathe again. He was too scared to get close and feel beyond his metaphoric walls built up around his heart. The day Wall Maria had fallen was the day he built up his own wall, a wall you could never breach or penetrate into for even a second. Once I saw a glimpse of what was behind his brave words and brazen heroism. I found nothing but a pillaged city with a broken king atop of a mound of dead feelings oppressed by fear and hatred. Most of him had burned along with his kingdom.

What I found inside of him did not scare or stop me from wanting inside of his walls, because I knew one day I would be able to fix the boy who lived inside of the hollow shell. The very first day I met him I had made a promise to myself to never give up on my introverted lover. He did not always see me in the same way I had viewed him, but somehow he always knew the right moments to catch me off guard and confirm the bond we shared. Having watched him fade before my very eyes killed me because I knew I could not drown the demons who pulled him away.

I crushed the very earth that graveled below my feet, knees sank into the sand as I accompanied his cries. I did not cry along with him. I grabbed his wounded hands, bite marks had been sank into them a countless number of times, and kissed every part of his grubby fingers. He balled his hands into fists but I didn't let him retreat out of this moment unlike the numerous of other times. I wrapped my arms around his limp body as he struggled to fight against me.  
“It's alright if you fight against it”, I spoke to him with the same tone of the hopeless we couldn't stop from dying before our eyes.

I begged with my touches but he fought with his actions and a lack of spoken words. All we had was silence and the smell of rotting bodies stained in our palms.

I was to him as he was to me, I loved him inside my mind and outside of the walls he had built up many years ago. Because he had also longed to touch me, he had to fight off the unwelcome feelings inside of his heart. I felt his fists loosen the grip he had on my shirt as he snaked his arms around my personal macrocosm. He must have felt my body jolt from shock because he shifted closer to me, pressing his face into the crease of my neck. I could finally see the darkness behind my eyelids again.

The closer we got the lower I felt, like the very sand beneath us had turned into a whirling pool of death and was absorbing what little lift was left of us. All of my cuts had reopened and blood dripped down my body staining my clothes. Reality hit my skull harder than the blow had been to the back of my head... I remember how I had gotten here now.

My body felt cold. My arms went slack as he pressed his bloodthirsty lips against my own to softly kiss me goodbye; a nice sign of appreciation. The king was awake now, but I had ran my race too short and missed my opportunity to get a glimpse of him.

The waves repetitively crashed against one another. I appreciated the noise. Without it I might have woken up.


End file.
